The Date Show
by Evanesce
Summary: What happens when you combine PotO, a pack of rabid phangirls, and a random Scottish guy running around in a kilt? You get a reality TV show, of course!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everybody! This is just some crazy idea for a story I had. If the dialogue confuses you, just PM me. I'll try to update quickly. I'm predicting that there will be about six or seven chapters. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, and please review!**

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to everyone's favorite reality TV show, _The Fan-fiction Dating Game_! This week we have a special show for you, ladies and gentlemen. All of this week's lucky players are from a special opera house in Paris, France. Audience, please welcome the cast and crew of the Phantom of the Opera!"

_(Clapping from the Audience as the Phantom, Christine, Raoul, Meg, and Carlotta walk onto the stage)_

"Tonight we shall feature the great and wonderful Phantom on our show! Monsieur Phantom, would you care to take a seat right here beside this screen?"

"No."

"I'm sorry, monsieur, but that was a rhetorical question. Please come and sit right here."

"No."

"Monsieur, I'm losing my patience. Sit here right now before I lose my cool on national television and I do something drastic."

"What's that supposed to mean? You gonna whack me with your microphone?"

"Monsieur, if you don't sit down right now, I shall personally lock you in a public port-a-potty with the Vicompte de Chagny."

"Oh fine."

_(the Phantom sits down)_

"I shall now take this opportunity to state the rules of this game. Behind this curtain to the Phantom's left are three contestants. The Phantom here has no idea who they are, their name, nationality, or even their gender. Both I and the Phantom shall ask these contestants questions. At the end of these questions, the Phantom shall pick which one of the contestants he wishes to go on a date with. His vote doesn't matter-"

"What! You mean that even if I completely loathe-"

"As I was saying, his vote doesn't matter even if he completely loathes the contestant. Instead, the audience shall vote for his date. Doesn't this sound exciting?"

_(behind the narrator's back, the Phantom quietly flips him off)_

"Ok then, let's reveal the contestants. They shall state their name and profession."

_(the curtain pulls back to reveal two girls. The third contestant, though he looks a bit like a girl, is a boy)_

"Contestant One, state your name and profession please."

"Hello, my name is like, Brittany, like totally. I'm like, a singer, and I'm like, super rich, like."

"Thank you. Contestant Two?"

"Howdy y'all. I'm Mary-Sue, and I'm from Texas. I'm a phan-girl."

"Can you please name you're real profession?"

"Well, I'm only fourteen, so I don't really have one."

"Ok then. Contestant Three?"

"Hey everybody! I'm Raoul! I'm the Vicompte de Chagny, and during my spare time, I run a spa! Like, I'm so psyched out to be here!"

"What! I can't have him as a contestant! He's a boy…I think…and I hate him! Get him away!"

"We're sorry, Monsieur Phantom, we have no one else to fill in his place. Unless you want another phan-girl, which I doubt. To ease your mind, we shall switch around the contestants numbers."

_(the contestants get up and switch places)_

"Now that that's done, we can begin. Right after this commercial break."

**Ok, odd place to stop, but I have writer's block. Give me an hour, or a day, maybe a week. We'll see. Anyway, review. **


	2. the Phantom

**Here's Chapter Two, written with inspiration from my brother. I DO NOT own the Phantom of the Opera. Sorry, but there is Phantom bashing, Raoul bashing, and random other bashing. **

"Ok, we're back. If you're just joining us, this is _The Fan-fiction Dating Game_! This week all of our players are from the Phantom of the Opera. Today's lucky player is the Phantom himself! Well, you all know the rules, let's begin. We'll start with the Phantom. Monsieur, feel free to state your name, age, profession, and favorite color, country, movie, book, animal, and food."

"What if I don't want to?"

"You have to, or else we shall automatically pair you with the Vicompte over here."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh yes, we would. Now talk."

"Fine. My name is Erik, I am 33 years old, and my profession is terrorizing people. My favorite country is France, duh, my favorite food is French fries. There, I'm done."

"Monsieur, you've neglected to state your favorite color, animal, movie, and book. And yes, you must. Or else."

"But I don't want to-"

"Shut up and stop whining. What is your favorite color. Answer, or else I'll have Raoul kiss you."

"Please no! My favorite color is…umm…pink."

"And animal?"

"Well, it's kind of a debate between poodles and ponies."

"Ok then. Movie? I probably don't want to here this."

"Barbie in the Princess and the Pauper. She's like, so hot-"

"Ok, we get the point. Book?"

"Oh, that's easy. War and Peace."

"Now that we're done with that, we'll start to question the contestants. Contestant One, where is your favorite place to go on vacation?"

"Well, it's like so awesome to go to the Girlz Foreva' Spa. I love to get my nails painted Pretty Pink while watching the Super Girly Show. They have a great selection of shampoos, from Super Sassy Strawberry to Absolutely Apple! It's like, the bomb! And the best part is, I own it, like cha!"

"Ok, then, Contestant One."

_(the Narrator breaks into a coughing fit, in the midst of which the word "rainbow'' can be perceived)_

"Now then, Contestant Two, what do you enjoy the most about your job?"

"Well, being like a famous American singer, I like get to go to like lots of overseas places, like Canada!"

"Thank you, stupid blond-I mean Contestant Two. Now, Contestant Three, what is your idea of a perfect day?"

"Well y'all, any day spent with his dreaminess the Phantom is total greatness. He's so masculine."

_(Contestant Three swoons)_

"Now it is time for the Phantom to question the contestants. Monsieur Phantom?"

"Okay, Contestant One, what would you do if I turned off the air conditioning in this place and made your hair frizz?"

"I'd be forced to take drastic measures."

"What would that be? Spraying hairspray in my eyes?"

"No, I'd…I'd…I'd make sure you were never allowed in my spa. So there!"

"Ok, whatever…Contestant Two, have you ever considered looking at a map and discovering that Canada is not, in fact, overseas from the United States? Unless you live in Hawaii."

"Hawaii's one of our 52 states? I was so sure Chicago was one…like totally."

_(the Phantom cringes)_

"Contestant Three, here is your question. If I, the great and wonderful Phantom, told you that I didn't like you very much, what would you do?"

"Well, ya' know, I'd probably go and jump right in a rattlesnake nest."

"Ok, that's good. I don't like you."

_(Contestant Three runs off the stage sobbing. A few seconds later, screams are heard from backstage.)_

"Well ladies and gentlemen, it would seem that we have lost a contestant. That leaves two contestants for you to vote for to go on a date with the Phantom. First though, we shall hear the Phantom's choice. Monsieur?"

"Kiss my butt."

"We are sorry, monsieur, but that is not a choice. But since you depress me so much, you emo jerk, I shall spare you the choice. Audience, vote now."

_(30 seconds pass while Jeopardy music plays)_

"Ok, time's up and the votes are in. Contestant Two with .5 of the vote, and Contestant One with 98.5. Congratulations, Contestant One. Before we reveal the identities of the contestants, we find it interesting to note that the remaining 1 of the vote went to "Kiss My Butt. But anyway, please remove the barrier so Monsieur Phantom can meet his date."

_(the barrier is removed)_

"Introducing Contestant One, Raoul, Vicompte de Chagny. Contestant Two, or should I say Miss Spears, we are deeply sorry that you lost, now get your blonde self off the set. Monsieur Raoul, do you have anything to say?"

"Like yeah! I'm so totally psyched out! You can come to my spa, and we can get you a manicure, and a pedicure, and a new wardrobe. You'd look so great in pink! Have you ever considered plastic surgery? You really need to dump that mask. Oh I'm sooooo excited!"

"Do you have anything to say, Monsieur Phantom?"

"Where's the nearest bridge?"

"Anyway, join us for tomorrow's show, starring Miss Christine Daae. Until then…Monsieur Phantom, kindly remove the rope from around the Vicompte's neck! Now! No, get away from me…please, that sword looks really sharp…NO! Help! "

_(screen goes black)_

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review, and wait for the next show!**


	3. The Killer Chairs

**This chapter was written with the inspiration and help provided by my best friend. The gothic Christine was all her idea. **

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to _The Fan-fiction Dating Game_! As you know, this week we have special guests from the Phantom of the Opera. Yesterday, we had the Phantom himself as our lucky guest. Today we will-"

_(an audience member interrupts)_

"Hey, what happened yesterday's narrator?"

"Ummm…well…he's kind of indisposed…yeah…for further details contact his lawyer. Though his doctor said he might get out of intensive care in a few months, if he's lucky. Anyway, today our special guest will be none other than Miss Christine Daae!"

_(the audience claps as Christine walks onto the stage)_

"Welcome Miss Daae. I must inquire upon your new fashion. I never knew you wore so much black. And your eyeliner looks like your wearing a mask yourself."

"Shut up, you-----------censored---------------!"

"Excuse me, Miss Grumpypants. It seems someone woke up on the wrong side of the coffin today."

_(Christine flips off the narrator)_

"Anyway, would you please sit down now. No, not in the spike chair, in that chair. No, you cannot bleed to death now! Paramedics! Please stand by."

_(several minutes of commercials pass)_

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are happy to say that Miss Daae has been safely transported to the asylum-I mean, hospital, where she shall be cared for physically…and mentally. As a substitute, we shall have Miss Meg Giry! Everyone put your hands together for…MEG!"

_(Meg comes running across the stage…only to run right off it again. She runs back on…and off again)_

"Excuse me ladies and gentlemen while I guide Meg to the stage."

_(a few seconds pass)_

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have good and bad news. The bad news is that Miss Giry managed to knock herself out. The good news is we managed to revive her by whispering in her ear '_Wake up or else we shall have Raoul kiss you…Wake up or else we'll push the Phantom off a bridge.' _Needless to say, she woke up. And here she is, ladies and gentlemen, MEG!"

"HEY EVERYBODY! CAN I GET AN M!"

"M!"

"AN E!"

"E!"

"A J!"

"J!"

"PUT THAT ALL TOGETHER AND WHAT DOES IT SPELL?"

cricket cricket

"Huh? I can't hear you!"

cricket cricket

"Oh well, it seems I'm smarter than the rest of you! It spells PHANTOM!"

"Ok, thank you, Miss Giry. Now, before we waste anymore time, will you please sit in this chair?"

"You mean this shiny one over here, with all the wires poking out of it?"

"No, this one right next to me."

"But that one's not shiny. I like the shiny one. I'll sit here."

"NO, THAT'S THE ELECTRIC CHAI-"

zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppp…sizzle sizzle

"Not again…PARAMEDICS! We are deeply sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we are out of time and female players (unless you consider Carlotta a female) for our show. Please join us tomorrow. Hope fully Miss Giry and Miss Daae will make speedy recoveries. Until then, goodbye."

**Sorry for such a short chapter. Writer's block.**


	4. The Phantom of the Soap Opera?

**This chapter is a bit strange, I admit. but enjoy and review...or else...**

**Note: The mysterious anonymous reviewer was my best friend. See chapter 3.**

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the third day of 'Phantom' week on _The Fan-fiction Dating Game_. To those who saw the show yesterday, we are deeply sorry for our, umm…lack of excitement. We are happy to report that both Miss Daae and Miss Giry have made speedy recoveries, and should be able to join us in tomorrow's show. Today our lucky victim-I mean player is none other than Raoul de Chagny!"

_(clapping as Raoul walks onto the stage. There's no missing the lavender bows in his hair, or his hot pink nails)_

"Monsieur Raoul has just returned from his date at the Girlz Foreva' Spa with the Phantom, who is recovering at the Sunnyday Mental Asylum. We would chat even longer, but due to yesterday's time losses, we wish to begin the game now. Monsieur Raoul, please take a seat."

_(Raoul sits down)_

"Like, squee! I'm so awesomely happy to be a part of this show again! Those contestants sure are lucky!"

"Ok then, let's begin. We shall have the contestants state their name and profession, then we shall switch them around. Contestant One please?"

"Hello, my name's Susana. I really, really, really love Raoul! I'm the president of the _Raoul de Chagny Fan Club_!There's a whole ten of us! Can you believe it? And we have a better name than those stupid 'Phantom-Phans'. We're the 'Girlz-de-Chagny! Like yeah!"

_(several rotten tomatoes were slung at Susana. A cloaked and masked girl snuck up behind her with a noose and strangled her)_

"Thank you Contestant One. Contestant One? Answer me! Contestant One? Answer me you------------censored--------------! Oh------censored------! Paramedics! Fatality on the set!"

"Oh no! I've like, lost the President of my fan club! My life is ruined! I'll-"

"Monsieur Raoul, we still have two more contestants. You'll be fine. Now, Contestant Two, kindly state your name and profession."

"I doubt I shall do anything kindly, _sir._ If I tell you my name, I shall have to kill you."

"No you won't. I have lawyers."

"Then I'll kill them too."

"Shut up, you morbid wackjob, and state your bloody name!"

"Oh, fine, dead person. My name is Dracula, and I didn't sign up to be paired up with this loser. I wanted to be paired with, _sigh_, the love of my life, Christin-I mean, Carlotta, of course. Everyday I dream about Chris-Carlotta, and her beautiful black eyeliner-I mean poodle."

"Thank you. Contestant Three?'

_(cricket cricket)_

"Oh don't tell me there's another fatality…I was wondering what she was doing with those sleeping pills…Anyway, let me introduce you to the dead body of the President of the Phantom-Phans. Well, I guess that leaves Dracula as Raoul's date. Thank you, and good nigh-"

_(the door to the set bursts open to reveal Christine, resplendent in a black hospital robe, black bandages, and, of course, black eyeliner)_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! My love shall never have anyone other than me! I'm coming my love. Please do not forsake me!"

"Well, like, Christine, that's so sweet! But you could have just signed up to be one of my contestants. I'm sure the audience would have voted for you, because they all think we're the perfect couple. Right?"

_(cricket cricket)_

"Shut up, fop. I wasn't talking to you."

_(Christine runs to Dracula)_

"Dracula!"

"Carlott-I mean, Christine!"

"Dracula!"

"Christine!"

"Dracula!"

"Cheeseburger!"

"Huh?"

"Cherries!"

"What? Draccy-poo, do you love someone else?"

"Chocolate!"

"NO! You wouldn't! You couldn't! I thought you loved me! I, I, I cannot survive without your love! I wish I never left the Phantom!"

"But Christine, you chose me over him!"

"Shut up, pansy. I cannot live like this. I must take my own life!"

"NO, don't do it Christine!"

_(the Phantom runs onto the screen, complete with purple-painted nails and a pink cape)_

'Phantom!"

"Christine!"

"Phantom!"

"Christin-"

"I'm sorry to break up the soap opera (pardon the pun) here guys, but we're out of time. So take your business outside. Goodbye."

_(screen goes black)_

But what happened to Dracula? Is he furious at having his love stolen away from him? Is he carefully planning his revenge? We shall see…

_Author's note: No Phantom-Phans were harmed during the making of this show. I can't say the same for Girlz-de-Chagny._

**Ooh, maybe this story is getting some plot...**


	5. Meg

**Hello! Thanks to everyone that's reviewed so far! **

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to fourth night of our special 'Phantom' week on _The Fan-fiction Dating Show_. We apologize for the last two hectic episodes. To prevent any more disturbances, we have stationed killer poodles around all the entrances."

_(looks at note card)_

"Poodles! Whose idea was that!"

"**Mine!**"

"Who's that?"

"**The Authoress, you dolt! Poodles are very vicious! I've known one to break a woman's arm!**"

"How'd it manage that?"

"**Well, the woman kind of slipped…in its…well…you know…**"

"Ohhh…Well, I still don't want them on my show. I want a SWAT team."

"**Fine.**"

_(mystically changes killer poodles to a SWAT team. They still have little pink bows all over their uniforms)_

"Thank you, Authoress. Anyway, our guest today is Miss Meg Giry, who just recovered from a bit of a shock. Welcome Miss Giry."

_(a frazzled look Meg hobbles across the stage and sits down)_

"Now, Miss Giry, all of the contestants we have chosen for you are those that we deem to be _safe._ We don't want another Dracula incident. This is also the first day that all of the contestants are one gender! Isn't that great!"

_(cricket cricket)_

"Ok, anyway, we shall have the contestants state their name and profession. Contestant One?"

"Hello, my name is Andre, and I run an opera house."

"Contestant Two?"

"Hello, my name is Firmin and I run an opera house."

"And Contestant Three?"

-_creak…creak_-

"He must be mute. I'll state his name and profession for him. 'Hello, my name is Joseph Buquet, and I formally worked as a stagehand until I died.' Well, that's simple enough. Now, contestants, switch places."

_(they all switch places, except for Buquet, who finds it hard to move from his place hanging from the ceiling)_

"Now, Miss Giry, feel free to state your name, age, profession, and favorite color, country, movie, book, animal, and food."

"Ok! My name is Meg Giry! I'm like, sweet sixteen, and I'm a fabulicios ballerina! My favorite color is yellow, like my hair, my favorite country is Florida, because I like Disneyworld, my favorite food is potato chips, because their yellow like my hair, and my favorite animal is me! Get it? I'm a party animal! My favorite movie is _The Phantom of the Opera_ because I'm in it, and I've never read any other book than _Curious George_, and I only read it because the cover was yellow."

"Ok, thank you Miss Dumb Blonde."

"That's not my name! It's Meg Giry. You must be stupid, because I just told you that."

"Whatever. Now it's time to question the contestants. Contestant One, who is your favorite singer?"

"Andre."

Ok. Contestant Two, what is your favorite pastime?"

"Doing anything with Firmin."

"Ok, Contestant Three, what is your favorite place to go on vacation?"

_-creak-_

"Aww, that's sweet, a creek. I bet you like to fish. Now it is your turn to question the contestants, Miss Giry."

"Ok! Now, Contestant One, what color is your underwear?"

"Huh? _(checks)_ Umm, yellow…_(blushes)_"

"Yay! I like you already! Now, Contestant Two, when you see me, what do you notice about my hair?"

"Errr, that it's yellow?"

"Great! And Contestant Three, what is your favorite thing to eat?"

_-Crack-_

"WHAT! You loser! Eating crack is not healthy! You're supposed to inhale it! Gosh…now, what is your favorite thing to eat?"

_-crack…CRACK…Whoosh…THUMP-_

"Hey! A dead body just fell on top of me! He'll ruin the yellowness of my hair! Like, SHREIK!"

"Calm down, Miss Giry, it's just Contestant Three. Now that the questioning is done, who is your choice?"

"I dunno, I like them all…except for the crack addict…"

"Ok, audience, vote now."

_(30 seconds pass while Jeopardy music plays)_

"Ok, the votes are in. It's Contestant One with 50, Contestant Two with 50, and Contestant Three with 0. Well, we're going to need a tiebreaker. In our case, it's a duel to the death. Contestants? Or should I say, Monsieurs Andre and Firmin? "

"NO! I cannot duel my one true love! Please, spare me!"

"And I! For I could not harm him who I love!"

"Andre!"

"Firmin!"

_(they run happily off into the sunset)_

"**Excuse me while I barf…**"

"Authoress, so you mean to say you did not write this?"

"**I swear on the Phantom that this was not my idea. I think those two weirdos were possessed by the spirit of Brokeback Mountain.**"

'Ahhh….I was thinking the same thing. But anyway, this means Meg gets to go on a date with Buquet!"

_(Buquet's seemingly dead body stands up)_

"Yay! She's finally mine! Now her mother can never save her!"

_(Madam Giry enters, surrounded by a pack of killer poodles)_

"Oh yes I can! Attack, dogs of evil!"

_(the dogs attack Buquet. The details are quite gruesome, but let's just say he got some scars to rival the Phantom)_

"**See, I told you poodles were vicious, Mister I'm-the-smartest-narrator-in-the-world.**"

"Whatever. Well thank you ladies and gentlemen for watching the show. Excuse me while I kill the Authoress for humiliating me…on national television…"

**As you can see, Mister I'm-not-the-smartest-narrator-in-the-world-cause-now-I'm dead never suceeded in his task. I keep several personal killer poodles. Anyway, I'm going to begin with cameos soon, so if you want to be included, just review or PM me for details.**


	6. Carl Giudicelli?

**Hello. Sorry it took so long to update. **

**About Carlotta's dialogue: it may look wierd on the page, just try sounding it out.**

**And also, happy birthday phantomphan1992, who requested to be included in this story as the new host.**

**Anyway, read, review, and enjoy!**

Hello everybody, and welcome to _The Fan-ficion Dating Game_. I am your new and improved host, phantomphan1992. We apologize for the fact that the show has been delayed several days. The delay was caused by the tedious procedure of choosing a new host. As you know, our previous hosts have had several…errr…_accidents_." Anyway, I got this job by winning the _Reasons Why I Love the Phantom of the Opera _essay contest, at six-hundred and forty-nine reasons. _-sigh-_ Anyway, tonight's guest for the final day of Phantom week is none other than the Prima Donna herself, Carlotta!"

_(cricket cricket)_

"Thank you audience for that rousing applause. I would like to point out that we have some special guests in the audience tonight, our V.I.P.s (Very Important Phans)."

_(audience applauds, which lasts for several minutes)_

"Thank you. Now, Mademoiselle Carlotta, would you care to sit down?"

_(Carlotta sits down)_

"'Ello my adoring and devoted fans! I am so-a very happy to be-a part of this-a !"

_(cricket cricket)_

"Clap for-a your-a Prima Donna! I-a command-a you-a to-a. Or else-a I-a will not-a play."

_(scattered applause)_

"Thank-a you-a!"

"Ok, ok, back to the game people. We have three fabulous contestants for you tonight!"

"Yay! Bravo, bravo me!"

"If you knew any Italian, woman, you'd know that you're supposed to say "Brava" for a female. Unless you're not a girl."

"I'm-a lady! _-shifty eyes-_"

"Sure…Anyway, let's introduce tonight's contestants! Contestant One, state your name and occupation."

"Hello, my name's Gerry, and I am an actor."

_(Phan-girls in audience swoon in a giant wave at his Scottish accent)_

"Thank you, Gerry. Now, Contestant Two?"

"E.T. phone home."

"Uhhh, thank you Contestant Two. Contestant Three?"

_-Tick…tick…tick…"_

"Okay…I think this show needs to invest in some human contestants…Anyway, Miss Carlotta, please state your name, age, profession, and favorite color, country, movie, book, animal, and food."

"Ahh ahh ahh, I-a see-a. My-a name-a is-a Carlotta Giudicelli and-a I'm-a thirty-two-a years-a old-a. I'm the Prima Donna of-a opera. My-a favorita color is-a garish magenta. I love-a Italy-a. I-a no-a like-a books and movies. I-a like-a opera. My-a favorita animal is-a me-a poodle."

"Thank you for that wonderful show of _-cough- _bad grammar _-cough- _fake accent _-cough cough-_, I mean beautiful eloquence. Now to question the contestants. Contestant One, what is your favorite pastime?"

"E.T. phone home."

"I see…well, the phone's in the back. Contestant Two, what is your favorite animal?"

_-tick…tick-_

"Ok, that's just weird. Now Contestant Three, the question all Phans want to know, what size is your underwear?"

"What! Why would I tell you that?"  
_(Phan-girls surround him)_

"NO! You can't pull down my kilt to check! No! Get away!"

"Quick Contestant Three! Sing!"

_(Contestant Three sings the first few lines of_ Music of the Night_. The Phan-girls faint in one fell swoop)_

"Well, that works. Now, Miss Carlotta, it is your turn to question the contestants."

"Ok, ok. Contestant One-a, how do-a you-a like my-a singing?"

"E.T. phone home."

"Ahh, you-a stupida alien! I spit on you. Now Contestant Two, do-a you like my-a singing?"

_-tick…tick-_

"Dumb time-bomb. Contestant Three, I save-a the best question for-a you. Is-a your-a underwear really hot-a pink-a?'

"No, it's plaid. Like my kilt. Duh, Scottish here."

"Ahhh…I see-a…"

"What! You have x-ray vision!"

"Maybe…"

"Ok, ok. Carlotta, who is your choice?"

"Contestant Three."

"Ok, audience, it is time to vote."

_(thirty seconds pass as Jeopardy music plays)_

"Ok, the votes are in. Contestant One with 2 percent of the vote, Contestant Three with 0 percent of the vote, and Contestant Two with 98 percent of the vote."

_(both the audience and Gerry sigh in relief)_

"Anyway, let's reveal the identity of Contestant Two!"

_-tick…tick-_

"Have fun on your date…now leave before that thing blows up-"

_-BOOM-_

_(the time-bomb explodes, destroying Carlotta's skirt, and revealing that she is not, in fact, a woman)_

"My dear Phantom in Paris, the Authoress was right…Ok, everybody, time to leave."

_(some random person in the audience shouts out)_

"We can't! The doors are locked!"

"So are the windows!"

"And the fire escape!'

"Who cares about that! My fly is open, and it won't zip up!"

_(general pandemonium ensues)_

"Quiet everybody. Calm down, I'm sure the Authoress will get us out of here."

"**Sorry to say I can't. I'm just as stuck in here as you are. I think-**"

_(the audience starts to freak out even more. Some pull out various weaponry, while others look for good places to hang themselves from)_

"Oh no! We'll be stuck here forever."

"**Will you shut up! As I was saying, I think that Dracula still hasn't gotten over losing Christine. He's pretty angry at the Phantom, which transfers to you Phan-girls. All we need to do is stay calm, hand over the Phantom, and no one will get hurt.**"

"WHAT! Hand over the Phantom! That would be the same as handing over Gerr-, wait a minute, where did Gerry go?"

"Yeah, you dumb authoress, what did you do to Gerry!"

"**I did nothing-**"

"I bet she's keeping him to herself!"

"Yeah!"

"I say we mob her!"

"Yeah!"

"Now wait a minute, as show host, I think I should have the right to exalt some authority over you people. Now leave the Authoress alon-"

"Do you want to get lynched too?"

"I see your point. Die!"

"**Ok, this is where I take my leave. I'll go find Dracula…and Gerry…they might help me…I hope…**"

_(quickly types something into her mystical laptop of authoress power and disappears)_

"Great…We must prepare for war against the evil Authoress! March Phan-girls!"

**Ok, now I really need cameos. Here's what you do: PM me if you want to be in the story with 1. some random appearance (opptional); 2. your weapon of choice; 3. who you support: the rabid Phan-girls and the Phantom, or me, Dracula, and Gerry (I really need someone on my side) Thanks! Review!**


	7. Of Phangirls and Poodles

**I'm so sorry I haven't been able to update in a while. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. And remember, review!**

"**Hello random Phantom-phans out there! This is the Authoress speaking! As you know, there has been the stirrings of a war between a group of rabid Phan-girls and myself. Don't worry, while they might have the great and powerful Phantom on their side, I have the double powers both Dracula and Gerry Butler…in a kilt. I would like to take this opportunity to introduce some Phan-girls on either side of the battlefield. I would like Dracula to help me with this.**"

"No."

"**Ok then. Gerry?**"

"Sorry, too…busy…running…away…from…PHAN-GIRLS!"

"**Try singing. It worked before.**"

"I'm…too…out…of…breath…"

"**Oh…that stinks. Well, think on the bright side. You might lose some weight! Anyway, back to the introductions. On the side of the Authoress, we have ILTPOTO!**"

_(the black-clothed ILTPOTO waves, and continues singing to herself: "The Phantom's too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shoes, too sexy for his socks…")_

"**Yeah, that's ILTPOTO for you…would you believe that she started singing that in front of her mother? Anyway…next we have Supergirrl!" **

_(Supergirrl waves as she attempts to stuff a pen down her clarinet)_

"I'm trying to make a blow dart thing with this, but it won't work. See?"

_(She demonstrates, succeeding only in destroying the eardrums of a cameraman)_

"I'll keep working on it…"

"**Over here we have great and wonderful Wonder Wombat, exerting the wonderful powers of a Wonder Wombat!**"

_(Wonder Wombat waves, and turns out to be, surprisingly, a wombat)_

"**Over here we have Beware of the fluffy ones. Umm, could you stop chasing Gerry around with a sword? It looks kind of sharp…no I don't think he likes being tickled by your sword…no, I said he doesn't like being tickles…oh dear…**"

_(quickly shines blue light onto sword, which is Sting from LOTR)_

"**Oh look! Your sword is blue. Go kill some orcs.**"

_(Beware of the fluffy ones charges off screen)_

"**Over here we have Helena and the vicious person-eating Mister Fluffykins the Fifth. Awww…he's so cute…can I pet him? OWW! My finger! He tried to bite off my finger! I need that finger…to play the harp…and write…and do other things. And now I'm bleeding…uh oh.**"

_(Dracula comes running)_

"Did someone say blood? BLOOD!"

"**No, bad vampire…go away…NO! Go away! Urghh, HOLMES!**"

_(Sherlock Holmes comes running)_

"**Do you have the chocolate-covered cherries?**"

"Yes."

"**Administer them.**"

_(the Authoress walks away, leaving Sherlock Holmes to force feed Dracula the cherries)_

"**We have found it imperative to know who's on the other side of this battle. Therefore, we have a spy.**"

_(Supergirrl raises her hand)_

"Ummm, what kind of spy?"

"**Well, we're kind of on a short budget, so our spy is kind of, a, errr…poodle.**"

_(Gerry comes running by, followed by a mob of Phan-girls)_

"Why didn't you use a Scottish Terrier? They're Scottish, like me. Then I'd like you forever!"

"**Well, I don't _have_ a Scottish Terrier. Though now I wish I did. Anyway, this poodle is reliable. She might just break someone's arm…she broke my mom's, when she slipped in…well, you know. But anyway, I've gathered a list of some Phan-girls on their side. Anyway, first up we have phantomphan1992, the old narrator. Let's see if we can get her on the Spy-cam.**"

_(Spy-cam shows phantomphan1992 randomly poking the Phantom. Occasionally she shouts out something random, like "Squee!")_

"**Ok, next on our list is kloolk, a devoted Phan. Camera?**

_(Camera shows kloolk sneaking up with a lasso behind the Phantom, trying to pull him away from Christine and phantomphan1992)_

"**Another Phan they have is Dreamless Wind. She also has a clarinet, which takes away our lead.**"

_(Dreamless Wind is discussing something with Daroga, the Persian)_

"**I wonder what they're saying. Poodle-spy, get within audio range.**"

_(Poodle-spy gets within audio range, but she also happens to be within full-up range as well. She "waters the plants" silently and begins to sniff the Persian's boots)_

"**Ok, I can hear them. They're saying something about how May likes to sniff carrot cake…no, that's not it, I think it's that they want to go under the barricade. Oh…that's not that bad. We'll just pour boiling oil on them…What? We don't have any oil? We'll just use poodle pee-**"

_(At that very moment, Poodle-spy happens to try to bite Daroga. He notices the large camera affixed to her head, and tries to chase her. He slips in a small yellow puddle, knocking into Dreamless Wind, which causes her clarinet to go flying. The clarinet hits phantomphan1992, causing her to fall backwards into kloolk. Kloolk's lasso falls around Christine's neck, and is stopped from strangling her_ _by Christine's spike necklace. Christine is still jerked back and ends up kneeing the Phantom in an uncomfortable place, causing him to scream like a little girl. Raoul sees this on the Spy-cam, and runs right through the barricade, all the while yelling "Phantom!" He manages to trip right over Poodle-spy, and breaks his tailbone. Poodle-spy leaps back through the barricade just as the Authoress is closing it up.)_

"**Well, wasn't that exciting."**

**I would really like to thank all the people who have reviewed my story so far. Cameos are still open. As you can see, I need more. And yes, my dear friend ILTPOTO did really compose, and then sing, that song in front of her mother. **


	8. Update!

"**Hello and welcome once again to the Dating Show turned battleground. I, the all-powerful Authoress, would like to introduce two new Phan-girls on the side of Dracula, Gerry, and I. First up we have Aneline, my real life authoress friend.**"

_(Aneline briefly waves, but is soon back in a three-telephone conference with her agent, her publisher, and her mother)_

"**I would also like to introduce Nerrina Aslana!"**

_( Nerrina waves, and goes back to airbending to defend her chocolate-covered cherries from Dracula)_

"**As you can see, we're in a state of chaos here. I apologize for the fact I have not been around to broadcast all of our recent updates. I've been…err…grounded…I'd rather not go into details. I am also sorry to announce that the _other side_ has also gained another member, an extremely rabid Phan by the name of Rachael. And when I say rabid…I mean rabid. I'd prefer not to elaborate. Anyway, I have here a list of important events that have occurred of late."**

_(Dracula grudgingly walks in, holding up a set of cardboard signs)_

**Recent Events:**

-Two new members joined the side of the Authoress. They had a brief airbending battle over who was hotter, Zuko or Sokka, but they eventually worked it out…albeit, with both of them in the medical tent for a few days.

-A rabid Phan-girl joined the other side. They had to muzzle her to keep her from destroying Raoul. Christine also had a bit of a problem trying the keep "Rachael' from glomping Erik.

-We are running out of chocolate-covered cherries. Dracula is getting antsy.

_(at this point Dracula devoured the rest of the sign)_

"**No, bad Dracula! Stop it! Go away…no!!!! Holmes!**

**Eek! Writer's block! Be back soon...I hope.**


	9. Halloween part 1

**Well, I think I kinda forgot to add a Halloween episode…so I guess I shall. Happy belated Halloween!**

_(The studio is quiet…too quiet. A certain Authoress starts from her sleep, and gets up from her bean bag. Scattered around are pillows, blankets, kilts…but no people. Then a noise, from the barricade. She wanders over, and then-)_

"TRICK OR TREAT!!!!!"

"**What?! It's not even Halloween! Oh…wait…are we in a time lapse or something? I know some stuff about quantum physics, so we can-**"

_(A sack is roughly pulled over the Authoress's head, cutting her off. She feels herself being dragged somewhere. She hears mutterings all around.)_

"This is going to be great!"

"Pay back time!"

"Umm…guys, I don't think this is a good id-"

"Shut up! She might hear."

_(This voice sounds familiar to the Authoress. It is the voice…of phantomphan1992. The Authoress is pulled onto a sitting position on a chair. Then the sack is removed.)_

"**Umm…guys, what's happening? Why are we on the stage? The game show was canceled, remember? Why is everyone wearing costumes?**"

_(A girl in what appeared to be the costume of a female Phantom stepped forward.)_

"You're wondering what's happening, are you? Well, you won't have to worry for long. No, not at all. We've all decided to get some payback…and also, you didn't give us Halloween candy. Now, phantomphan19-I mean awesome leader of us all, will you introduce the contestants?"

"**What? Is this what I think it is? Oh no, please no…**"

Uh oh, looks like I need some ideas for costumes...and contestants. Review! I'm trying to get at least 50 reviews.


	10. Halloween part 2

**Teehee, part 2. I hope you like it! Also, please review! I wish to break 50 reviews!**

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our Halloween special of _The Fan-fiction Dating Game_! Tonight our lucky guest is none other than the Authoress herself!"

"**NO! Untie me this instant, phantomphan1992! What did I do to you? What are you doing with my bag of dark chocolate? That's mine! Give it back!**"

"No, my dear Authoress, it's mine now. You didn't see it fit to give us any candy, so I took it."

"**But, you put a bag over my hea-**"

"Shut up. Ok, time to introduce the contestants! Contestant One, please state your name and occupation."

"My name is Artemis Fowl. I am a genius."

"**Oh good, at least you're my age. And you're a boy.**"

"Well, I can honestly say I, like you, did not choose to be here."

"Shut up, both of you, or risk the wrath of a Phan-girl on a sugar high. Contestant Two?"

"Name's Zuko, Prince Zuko. Occupation: fire bender."

"Thank you. Contestant Three?"

"Hello! I'm Sokka, from the southern water tribe. My occupation at the moment: trying to eliminate Zuko."

"Good luck with that. Now, Authoress, feel free to state your name, age, profession, and favorite color, country, movie, book, animal, and food."

"**I don't have to answer that.**"

"Oh yes you do. Because your dark chocolate is not the only thing we stole. We also stole a certain batch of chocolate-covered cherries. Now Dracula is under our control, and he's standing right behind you."

"**Oh. I knew I should have brought a crucifix. Well then, here I go. Name's Evanesce, age…well, same as Artemis. I'm an Authoress/singer/reader/student. My favorite colors are pretty much any color that isn't yellow, orange, pink, fluorescent, or pastel. My favorite country is, the U.S.A. …umm…well… and Middle Earth. If you can't guess my favorite movie you must be dense. Does _The Phantom of the Opera_ ring a bell? Books, well, I have a lot of favorite books. _Dracula_ is probably on top. No, Dracula, that doesn't mean I like _you_ particularly. Animal….dragon. And food: anything with salt, garlic, cheese, or chocolate (though not altogether please). Is that all?**"

"Yes, that's fine. Now it's time to question the contestants, who have been switched around. Contestant One, what is your favorite after school activity?"

"Being a pyromaniac."

"Ok…Contestant Two, what is your favorite food?"

"Seal blubber."

"Wait, excuse me a moment…"

_(runs off to bathroom to upchuck)_

"Ok, I'm back. Now, Contestant Three, what was your most embarrassing moment?"

"Any time I get lower that a 100 on an exam."

"**Yay! Same with me!**"

"Shut up, Authoress. Now, you ask them questions."

"**Ok. Contestant One, is it true that you played with Barbie dolls s a child?**"

"Yep! It's so fun to melt their hair, and their feet, and thei-"

"**I'm sorry I asked. Now, Contestant Two, who do you think is hotter, you or Contestant One?**"

"Why me of course. He has a big scar on his face, which is like, so gross."

"You want to bet? I bet I'm like, so much better looking that that Erik dude…he has to wear a mask…"

"**Umm…bad idea to say that…Uh oh, I'm guessing the tall guy dressed up as a punk rocker is the Phantom, you two better run.**"

_(They run off the screen, pursued by the Phantom)_

"Well, my dear Authoress, that would leave you paired up with Artemis over here, but it appears he has disappeared through a time warp. As a condolence, though, you can have Dracula."

"**What! No, please no! But, wait…**"

_(pulls out small whistle and blows through it. There is no sound.)_

"**Come, my pack of killer poodles!**"

_(A large pack of poodles appears, followed by a horde of costumed Phan-girls. A girl dressed in a bunny costume followed by a bunny dressed in a human costume call out.)_

"We're coming Evanesce! We would have come sooner, but the poodles got a hold of someone's Halloween candy. And Wonder Wombat had to help PhantomoftheBasket fill out the registration forms. And then Supergirrl and Beware of the fluffy ones had a duel, and you see where that went…But here we are!"

"**Ok. Can someone please untie me now?**"

_(A Phan in a jester costume helps untie the Authoress)_

"**Thank you. I assume you are PhantomoftheBasket?**"

"Yep."

"**Ok. Phan-girls, time to go! We can all try to kill each other some other time!**"

_(A certain group of Phan-girls begins to run towards the barricade, followed by a pack of killer poodles.)_

"Get back here! As narrator I have some authority! Your dumb dogs ruined my Phantomess costume!"

"Umm, phantomphan1992, we have some good news for you."

"What is it, kloolk?"

_(Back on the other side of the barricade:)_

"**Where's Gerry?**"

Uh oh...cliffhanger. You all do know that it is a certain actor's birthday tomorrow, right? I have a special chapter planned.


	11. Happy Birthday, kind of

**Darn'it, I needed to have added this chapter a while ago. I kind of got grounded…sorry. Just pretend that it's still November.**

**Ok, I have a special chapter planned…Sort of. And best of all, this one isn't going to be written like a script. Here we go, please review!**

It was the thirteenth of November, and it was a special sort of day. Special in a bad way. Why? Because the Authoress's muses were missing. Every single one of them. But on the morning of this November 13th, there was a notice taped to the Authoress's side of the barricade. And this is what it said:

_Attention to you numbskulls following the Authoress:_

_Today would normally be a normal day, full of normal fighting._

_But today is a special day._

_Have you noticed any of your muses missing? Or a certain Scottish man?_

_Well, I, phantomphan1992 formally invite you to celebrate…_

_GERRY BUTLER'S B-DAY!_

The moment all of the Phan-girls read this, there was a mass exodus. Through the barricade. It was painful, seeing as the barricade is made of recycled light-saber blades…

Anyway, they all made it there alive, and were presented with balloons with punjabs for handles. The small group of Phan-girls was led, quite forcefully, to the end of the room, where a grand table had been constructed. And of course, sitting at the head of the table, was Gerry.

The man was a wreck…kilt ripped, shirt torn, covered in lipstick marks…the whole shebang. And his five o'clock shadow was now some where around the range of eleven.

Various other muses were scattered around the room. Dracula appeared to be hanging from a neon crucifix. Someone was attempting to push Sherlock Holmes off a waterfall (where that came from, I don't know). The Phantom was being glomped by some few dozen Phans, not all female. Raoul was being glomped by…himself. Christine was taking makeup lessons from Sarah Brightman. Jack Sparrow was getting drunk off of fermented poodle urine. Will Turner was talking to Legolas, while some hobbits were chasing Davy Jones around. Artemis Fowl was taking a test of PotO trivia…and failing. Basically, chaos.

The chaos suddenly stopped as a certain phantomphan1992 ran into the center of the room and screamed, "Time for cake and presents!!!!"

**Ok, so here's what I want my cameo/reviewers to do. When you review, state what type of cake it should be, and what present you are going to give the birthday boy. Remember, best gift-giver gets to be Queen of the Highlands or opera house or whatever...but only for one chapter. Just please review. Longer chapter later.**


	12. The End is Near

**Finally, I am un-grounded! And I can update! I would like to thank all of my dear reviewers…now I want 80 reviews please! More is better. **

At phantomphan1992's call, all chaos stopped. And the gift giving began. Phan-girls and phantom-phans (what's the difference?) all lined up in front of Gerry, who was placed on a large throne. The gift were given as follows (**as much as I can remember**):

Phantomphan1992: a big, shiny, DIME!

PhantomofthePunjab: random kilts w/ matching punjabs, dark chocolate, and a picture of herself  
Vicomte-du-Shiny: a good deal of new kilts in a variety of colors, several phan repellents, a full pardon signed by Andrew Lloyd Webber to escape from phans, a winning lottery ticket, a venus flytrap, and a lifetime supply of skittles  
Dreamless Wind: a life-size model of Piangi to repel phan-girls

Heir of Tarot: a signed copy of her book, Heir of Tarot

Supreme Ruler of Llamas: phan-girl-repelling force-field-hat

Helena Lenore: A HUGE army of holy llamas, who are equipped with deluxe sushi throwers, with pin balls paint stripes of DOOM, also with my phone number written on all the llama's rumps, and picture, and birthday, and the date for our wedding, the llama's can also FLY and transform into red trucks with WINGS! Llama's come with threatening holy llama music, life size version of yours truly in a dress, and of course, the newest in punjab technology, the punjab 3459868684! (It's Fop proof! Raoul's not getting outta THIS ONE!! maniacal laughter And last but not least, a sound track of me ATTEMPTING to sing along to PotO songs. (**Too much to copy out…**)

Beeb: a llama named Captain McDougal

PhantomoftheBasket: one hundred bucks

Gerikslover: a new kilt

Supergirrl: Sim family in which Erik and Christine get married and have six children, who are all beautiful and look a lot like him (Raoul dies after he loses a fight to Erik.), a Christine clone who loves and worships him, and OC Dominique, who is his daughter. She's disfigured, and has a bad singing voice, but she can imitate any voice she hears perfectly, and is otherwise a lot like him. After he dies, she takes over as the Lady Phantom and kills Erik's almost-dead mom, and spends a good portion of the story trying to kill her half-brother, Raoul and Christine's son. (**I think I burned out my keyboard**)

LonesomeGurlAngelofDeath: weapons to defend against phan-girls

Skittleness; voice recorder to hide somewhere and make phan-girls chase

(**EEK! Thirteen phans giving gifts! Now for my gift. And the muses' gifts.**)

Evanesce: **hmm…what to give Gerry…I know! A hug. Awww…**

Dracula: chocolate-covered cherries

Sherlock Holmes: a magnifying glass. And opium. (**Who'd of thought?**)

Erik: a cape. For cape-swooshing.

Jack Sparrow: rum

Will Turner: rum

Davey Jones: not rum. An organ. (**what kind of organ? The musical kind or the thumpity-thump kind?**)

Christine: magically appearing and disappearing eyeliner

Legolas: hairspray

Raoul: a pass to the Girlz Foreva' Spa (**this was quickly incinerated.**)

Other Muses: random stuff including knitting needles, a lava lamp, a film canister, and some used chewing gum

And that was it. While Gerry was struggling to get out of a pile of kilts and llamas, a great cry came around.

"CAKE TIME!"

The phans came running. What flavor would the cake be? Would it be chocolate or vanilla or marbled or ice cream? Would it be covered in icing or hot sauce or sugar or doughnuts or Harry Potter wand cores? Would it be pink or sparkly or just really cool? The phans waited with baited breath…and drool. Then the cart was rolled out. The silver cover was removed. And the cake was-

A fruitcake.

A carrot fruitcake.

There was complete silence. Then someone cried out "YAY!"

Raoul was instantly tackled.

While the phans stood stunned, no one noticed a certain Scottish actor stealthily sneaking out of his throne. No one, that is to say, but a poodle.

Gerry tried to run. He really did. But all he succeeded in doing was tripping over his pile of belated birthday gifts. He set of all of the phan-girl repelling devices. And due to the large number of phans in the vicinity, they went off.

**Ooh...I think this story is almost over. _Sniff. _Anyway, I really want to reach 80 reviews, so please review. It's not that hard!**


	13. The End?

**As I said, the Date Show must come to an end. At least for now. Anyway, here is a short prelude of what is to come next.**

Erik awoke groggily. He moved his hand to rub his eyes to find that it was wet…and sandy. He jumped up quickly.

_Where am I?,_ he thought.

Then he noticed. The ground was moving. The wood-paneled ground. That he was standing on in pink flip-flops.  
_Oh please no_,he thought_, I'm at the fop's spa._

His gaze slowly moved up. He appeared to be wearing a black Speedo. And some sort of water-proof cape. His mask felt like it was made out of a coconut shell. He took it off.

It was.

Erik focused his gaze in front of him. He saw people. Many people. Most of them appeared to female.

They were wearing bikinis.

And they were staring at him.

Suddenly some strange chanting music came out of no where: _Hoya hoy hoy hoya-ha-ha-ya-ha-ha-ya hoy hoy hoy hoya-hoya-hoy-a-hoy…_

A strange man walked in between Erik and the other people. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Welcome…to Survivor."

**Okay, so here's what you have to do. If you want to be in my next story (which is obviously Survivor/Phantom) just answer these questions in a review or PM.**

**1. Choose a team: red or black (I need roughly even numbers per team)**

**2. What you wish to be called (something relatively short)**

**3. Appearance (optional)**

**4. Any other random info that might be important.**

**I also will need a host after a while. First person to review asking to be host gets it! Anyway, I hope everyone liked the Date Show. I thank all of my reviewers.**


End file.
